Mom’s Future Favorite

I hate the beach
No, no… I don’t think you understand
I really hate the beach

I don’t swim 
I don’t tan
I’d much rather not run into a jellyfish here or there
And the idea of beach competition never really appealed to me

There was this one day though…

It was on this one particular day
When the Sun knelt down and kissed the ocean
Promising to return at dawn
When the sky radiated hues of tangerine and lavender
Vibrantly displaying its beauty to the mortal eye
When the palm trees stretched toward the east
Desperately trying to catch a final breath of sea-salted air
That I decided to build a sand castle

It was the most magnificent edifice ever constructed
Its walls stood sturdy and fearlessly defied the intimidating winds
Its towers effortlessly touched the clouds and dared to challenge the stars in heaven
And to top it all off, there was a flag
On the crown of the structure stood a stick with a strand of seaweed tied onto it

For fifteen whole minutes, the Eighth Wonder of the World remained proud
Demanding the attention and admiration of all who graced its presence

Sixteen…

The moon was in control and with it came tides
Tides that maliciously tore down the castle
Bit by bit, stripping it down and carrying it down the sea 
Until all that was left was a mere stick with seaweed clinging helplessly for life at the pole
The wind laughed callously as I froze in shock
Such beauty
Such confidence
Such promise…
Gone

 
And as I sat
Digging
Molding
Shaping
Foolishly trying to recreate that which had been destroyed
I couldn’t help but to think about how much my love resembled that castle

A powerful display of affection and dedication 
Soon replaced by ruins of anguish and decay
All because that one moment in time,
When simple waves became destructive whirlpools,
The sun left and dusk became nightfall

Time and time again I’ve tried
I’ve dug
I’ve molded
I’ve shaped
Trying to no avail to recreate my beautiful, confident, promising relationship with the girl I’m afraid to say I’m in love with 

And now all I have is my flag
The last memory that such a thing ever existed
Carrying it daily has proven to be more trouble than it’s worth
It’s old
It tugs
It scratches
It hurts to hold now

I’ve been mulling over the idea of getting rid of it
Heck, I’ve even tried throwing it away a couple times
But no matter what, it always finds itself back into my pocket
Either to haunt and remind me that my castle is gone
Or to serve as proof that it’s possible to build an eighth wonder again

– “The Castle”
(June 2015)

First and foremost, THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH for the love on the last post. Last I checked, it had 139 views which I calculated to be about 49% of my blog’s views altogether (I’m a nerd and like math. Sue me).

This post idea I’ve had in the back my mind for a while but I had to wait to be sure that I really felt what I was thinking, you know? That being said, I had a couple tests this week that proved I’m ready to write about it. 

But before I do, let’s recap on my previous relationships shall we? If you’re new to my blog, these stories can be found in “Broken Hearts and Fresh Starts,” “Roses” and “The Dreamer” but to summarize:
– My first legit crush, Alex, broke my heart in middle school
– My first girlfriend, Disney, had racist parents so that didn’t work out
– My second girlfriend, Valerie, (who I actually REALLY liked) just wasn’t ready for a relationship at that time and when she was, I was wayyyy outta the picture
– My third girlfriend, Summer, cheated on me with my best friend at the time
– My fourth “girlfriend”, Kay, (still on the fence about whether I count this one) lasted six days before I realized we knew nothing about each other and I ended it because it was awkward 

Those are the girls who were “officially” my girlfriend. I’ve had several flings too but all the girls I’ve been involved with basically fall into the same category for me which is “My Learning Experiences”. Needless to say, after a series of mishaps like these, I’ve been pretty jaded for a while. Ergo why my last “girlfriend” was junior year of high school. But that was the shady, ehhhhhhhhh one that hardly counts so in actuality my last actual girlfriend was sophomore summer. I was fifteen which feels really weird to think about because I turn nineteen in less than a month and I feel like I know so much more about how to manage a relationship now than back then. But I digress.

Jaded. Yeah I’ve been jaded for a while. Not in the sense where I’m like “*HISSSSSSS* love. *HISSSSSSS* Valentine’s Day. GRRRRRR” (though low-key kinda…). It was more along the lines of I didn’t see the point of a having a title or being in a committed relationship, since it just led to problems down the road. Pretty sure this was all just an involuntary response to the fact that I was still hurt by the whole Valerie thing but at any rate this is why I stuck to casual flings, a fact which drove/drives my Mom up a wall to no end. What’s weird is my casual flings often ended up being a pseudo-relationship in themselves and lasted much longer than my relationships. 

Life Lesson: Things work out a lot better when you aren’t overanalyzing them 24/7 and just let God do what He does.

Having just ended my last fling right before school ended, I’ve had an entire summer to work on my anthology. In the process of reviewing old poems and writing new ones, I’ve had a chance to watch my growth as both a writer and a person. This has let me reflect on a lot of things I’ve done in my life and I’ve concluded something that I think was revolutionary in my quest to understanding who Chris Collier is.

I. Regret. Nothing.

Not the heartbreak. Not the sad poems. Not the crazy failures. Nothing. The only reason I let these experiences scar the way I think about commitment is because I let them. I wasn’t taught the wrong lesson, I just studied it the wrong way. That being said, I have figured out what direction I want to go from here on out (or at least until I learn something new).

1. I can’t look for a girlfriend (I’ve been doing VERY well at this so far). I just gotta keep doing me and if someone comes into my life, cool. If not, cool too. 
2. At the same time, if she does come into my life, I can’t do what I always do and play the waiting game to figure out if she’s really into me or not. Life’s too short and opportunities slip away faster than baby penguins on ice.
3. She can’t just be someone who supports me and what I do. Support is nice, don’t get me wrong, but it’s not enough. I have friends and family for that. Nah, she’s gotta be someone who pushes me and makes me want to be a better version of myself. Shoutout to my parents for being solid examples of what that’s supposed to look like lol.
4. After five years of hearing my mom repeat herself, I finally understand what she means when she says I need to find someone who understands me. It’s a lot deeper than “She’s gotta know I get into moods where I wanna be alone and need space,” or “She’s gotta know that for every silly thing I say, I’m intrinsically thinking about something important just as much if not more.” It’s deeper than that. I’ve talked to several people about what’s been going on around me from Philando’s case and police brutality overall to my elaborate plan to change the world someday. A lot of them understand, but they don’t understand. They don’t connect with my intensity or relate to the burning, soul-wrenching emotions I feel when I talk about these things. Whoever I end up with has to be able to do that.
5. She has to be a girl I’m unapologetically with. I’ll one up that, she has to be someone I’m willing to defend with every drip of blood, every breath of air, and every train of thought. There are few people I will ever lose my calm, friendly demeanor over in my effort to keep respeck on their names (also if you didn’t get the respeck joke, I’m sorry..).
6. Lastly, she has to be someone with her own dreams, drive, and desires. I can’t be the only one motivated to do something with their lives or I will lose interest quick. I like hearing about others’ ambitions. Why they do what they do. How far they’re trying to go. What progress they’ve made. Things like that are special for me to witness.

***At this point of the post, I GUARANTEE MRS. TAMEKA COLLIER HAS ALREADY ENVISIONED THE GIRL WHO FITS THIS CRITERIA AND AT SOME POINT SOON WILL ASK ME HOW SHE’S DOING. MOM YOU’RE NOT SLICK!***

I’d like to thank my parents, my mentor and friend Cullen Johnson, and everyone who’s ever uplifted my spirits by reminding me of all the things I bring to the table for a potential relationship. You guys are why I’ve decided not to stress about recreating the American Love Story and instead focus on how great my own story will be someday.

Chris