The Dreamer

“… But I’m not crazy…

I was once though
I was crazy in love
What I thought was love anyway

I could’ve sworn I met an angel God Himself had sent to bless me
Or curse me
I’m still unsure which is which…

I could’ve sworn she promised that she would make it all better
That she wasn’t like the last one
She lied…

I could’ve sworn I saw forever in her eyes
Her image isn’t real though
It was an illusion…”

– “Asylum: Session Two”
 (August 2014)

“… Not too long ago, I fell for a girl
She was imperfect
Beyond imperfect
She did her best to hide her scars with a radiant exterior 
But her imperfections were what made her beautiful to me

She put me through hell early
But despite my better judgment, I chose to stay 
Because I “loved” her

Please forgive me for misusing my words
Language is a powerful tool
One I should’ve been more careful using
Words like love should be saved for the right time
And I honestly believe I hurt us by using it too soon…”

– “Release”
(August 2014)

Do you guys know the story of Joseph from the Bible? If you don’t, the story basically describes a guy who was adored by his father and envied by his brothers. They planted a trap, got him shipped off to slavery, and never heard from him again. Little did they know, he was actually living life well with royalty because he could interpret the king’s dreams. 

Why do I bring this up? Because I’m incredibly fascinated by this story. Aside from the overall plot that makes it interesting, I’m particularly fond of the fact that dreams play such a heavy role in the story. Why? To put it simply, my dreams come true. 

I don’t mean that in a metaphorical, Disney Channel cheesy way. I mean I’ve legitimately had dreams that have come into fruition one way or another in real life. It’s crazy and I don’t expect most people who are reading this to believe me and that’s okay. But for those of you who were there and know exactly what I’m talking about, you guys know that this dream thing is no joke.

The summer after Valerie and I broke up, I got started dating a new girl. Seeing as how the relationship didn’t survive into the following school year, we’ll call this girl Summer. Summer and I had been friends since my freshman year of high school. In fact, she was my first real crush in high school, but I figured she wouldn’t be into me so I dated Disney instead (that sounds SOOOOO bad in hindsight). Little did I know that she not only liked me, but was waiting two months for me to make a move, only to find out I was dating her worst enemy. She transferred schools the following year and I never really got a chance to hang out with her much. That is, until the summer after Val and I ended.

It was as if the momentum of freshman year never went away. Within two weeks I felt all my old butterflies wake up and settle into my gut again every time I talked to her and after a couple of weeks of flirting, she was my girlfriend.

Let me list out every reason why this relationship should’ve never took off past the first week.

  1. I was still pretty heartbroken over the Val situation. I mean I was trying to move on and we didn’t speak much, but that kinda thing still shakes a 15-year-old kid ya know?
  2. She was still mad hung up over her ex. Like me but times five. It actually came to a point where after three days of dating she wanted to go on a break and figure some things out with her emotions. She left me on read for a week while she went to the beach with her family.
  3. My Mom didn’t like her. EVERY son knows that if a girl doesn’t pass Momma’s Test, the relationship for all intents and purposes is getting put to rest. But I was feeling rebellious, neglectful of my own well being, and oblivious to all signs pointing to this not being a good idea so I just went along with my relationship.

Despite how jaded I sound reviewing this relationship, there were some pretty good times spent. My favorite memory was learning how to actually kiss someone. In a previous story, I told you how Val was my first kiss. We just pecked though. Summer taught how to actually read body language and use my hands and stuff like that so shout out to her because otherwise I’d just be a frozen plank trying to figure out what I’m doing with my life. 

The story is actually pretty funny. I was kicking it with her, my homeboy, and my homeboy’s girlfriend. My and my bro were supposed to be playing Mortal Kombat but soon after we started, I noticed his character was taking a lot more hits than usual. I turned around to find my friend… Not worried about Mortal Kombat to say the least lol. So I took the controller and passed it to Summer. I taught her all the combos, let her pick a character, and then DESTROYED her. I’m a savage guys, I don’t go easy for anyone. After a while she gave up so we turned a movie on and started watching Forest Gump. I was texting during the movie and she took it upon herself to take my phone away. Way back before I grew paranoid with foreign hands on my phone, I was cool with letting people just grab my phone. Yeah… Never doing that now. But with Summer, I was relaxed because I didn’t have anything to hide. She told me to come get it, to which I responded “Why don’t you just give it to me?” I was incredibly confused as to why she would take my phone only to have me take it back. So I took it back. Not even ten minutes later, she takes my phone again and tells me to come get it. This time, I don’t even say anything, I just wrestle her and get my phone again. She does this a third time and at that point I’m frustrated because my girlfriend is just vying for my attention in all the wrong ways so I just tell her to keep it. She insists that I come and get it so I tackle her, get my phone back and then it clicks. 

Girlfriend + Chill = Kiss
Idiot Boyfriend + No Experience = No Kiss
By this logic, it is thus implied that Girlfriend + Seek Attention = Kiss, right?
But it’s like I said, I was mad oblivious so the equation ended up looking more like
Girlfriend + Seek Attention + Trial and Error + Trial and Tribulation + Patience + The Almighty Grace of God = Kiss

But I eventually caught on.

For the first month we were golden. I drew her pictures and wrote her poems, she cooked me food and taught me things. It was all going well until I had a strange dream. In it, Summer went to McDonald’s with one of my homeboys and the sexual tension was heavy. Eventually, they both just caved in and she cheated on me. Normally I dusted off dreams because they were just stories created by my subconscious while I was asleep. But still, that one dream had me shook so I texted my friend the day after and told him of my dream and warned him not to stab me in the back like that. I didn’t really back it up with a consequence because back then I was more concerned about living for others than living for myself so I didn’t want to lose a friendship because I got screwed over. Crazy right?

Anyway, not even a week later, I get a text from my friend saying we need to talk. He drove to my house and forewarned me that Summer was going to break up with me soon. I was caught off guard to say the least. I mean, we had been kinda distant but not Valerie and me distant so I thought we were okay. Soon after his news, my friend confessed to some shady business going down at McDonald’s a couple of days ago. Bare in mind I had my dream BEFORE he went out with my girlfriend. When I asked why didn’t he tell me, he said he was spooked because I had seen them together at that McDonald’s in a dream and he didn’t want to make me upset. 

I’d love to tell you guys what happened but honestly, I don’t know. I cut him off before he could explain himself, and ever since then I’ve gotten different stories about what happened the night he and Summer went out behind my back. In my mind though, she cheated on me and felt guilty about it so she broke up with me. What’s insane is even after I learned all of that and she tried breaking up with me, I tried to make it work. I failed and we broke up but I learned something incredibly valuable that night. I’m ALWAYS trying to put together and fix glass that was already broken before I touched it. I consistently ignore how sharp it is, how deep it can cut, or how much it hurts to bleed because for me, it’s imperative that the glass be fixed. That’s why I had shady friendships. That’s why my relationships always blew up before they could really take off. That’s why I was walked on all the time in middle school. That’s why I wore my masks as often as I did to please other people. I was an unhealthy fixer and I didn’t realize it until after I had reached rock bottom. 

So where are we all now three years later? My old pal and I aren’t really that close at all. We talk once every blue moon and sometimes it’s chill but it always feels weird for me because he used to be my best friend. There’s just something about having someone so close to you mess you up that bad, then progressively get worse as you grow older that just forever alters your psyche regarding how you interact with them. As for Summer, she’s married now. Yeah, like ring, last name change, and all. In fact, most of the girls I got involved with in high school are either married or are in long-term, happy relationships. I suppose they all grew much faster than I did. Summer and I are chill though. I forgave her (Mom still hasn’t) and we talk semi-regularly. We never talk about when we dated though, partially because she is married and partially because it always ends up going back to that night at McDonald’s. 

I guess the moral of the story here is to take time to really evaluate yourself before you grow attached to someone because if you don’t know yourself, you’ll end up becoming what people want you to be. Summer was my last girlfriend (Okay “technically” I dated this one girl junior year but that literally lasted six days and I only saw her three of those six so I don’t count that) and since then I’ve both found myself and lost myself. It’s nice to have my independence and getting to know what works for me and who I am in general but the process to get there was hard and I’ve made so many mistakes along the way. I’ve played with hearts and lied consistently so that I could use people to my benefit, been dishonest with myself and forced myself into situations I should not have been in, and I’ve repressed so many thoughts, feelings, and words I’ve wanted to say for so long because I didn’t trust people. I know my parents raised me to be better but I’ve fallen into the trap that is modern culture because I’ve been hurt so many times and subconsciously I want justice for myself.

Or wanted it anyway. I’m trying to get better and am taking my time with getting to know people so that my relationships, both platonic and romantic, roll smoother. Platonically, I’m solid. I have a set group of friends who support me and want me to succeed just as bad, if not more, as I want them to. Romantically? Ehhh… I have this problem where I will put forth a ton of effort to get the girl and when I finally have her, I lose interest. Mom says it’s because deep down, I already know who I want and if that’s not the case, it’s because the girls I choose are chosen because I’m more interested in fixing them than in who they actually are. Unsurprisingly, my Mom knows just what to say to get me thinking. I’m starting to think she might be on to something.

Chris

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